TOP TEN Ways to Create More Interest in Baseball
by David Letterman

10. Instead of grabbing themselves, switch-hitters must grab each other.
9. New tradition: pantsless 7th-inning stretch.
8. Outlaw cups, and award one run for each direct hit.
7. Every game, one lucky fan gets to marry and divorce Larry King.
6. Between innings, Diamondvision shows the Frank Gifford video.
5. When a batter strikes out, he has to swallow his chewing tobacco.
4. Instead of designated hitters, designated lesbians.
3. Four words: anatomically correct "Philly Phanatic."
2. Box score includes number of times player has nailed Madonna.
1. Replace ballboy with an overcaffeinated monkey.