I'm sure you already heard the news due to the fact that millions are rioting in the streets, thousands of people are shouting from mountain tops and your pet has probably taken shelter underneath your bed. Lock your doors, turn off your electricity and horde your water, because the second coming of Jesus is here (aka Saint Angelina gave birth to the twin messiahs). I know, don't you just want to burst into tears and bathe in holy water?

The chosen ones arrived on our planet yesterday in France. They can already talk, read, write and sing. Their SAT scores are already higher than yours and I'm sure they've already been shortlisted for an Oscar this year. A Nobel Peace Prize too.

Saint Angelina gave birth to a boy, Knox Leon, and a girl, Vivienne Marcheline. Knox was the middle name of Brad's pepaw. Marcheline was Angelina's mother's name.

Vivi weighed in at 5lbs and Knox weighed in at 5.03. Knox needs to go on the zone diet stat! Things in the Brangelina household are now even. 3 boys, 3 girls.

3 boys named Maddox, Pax and Knox. Those three should start a boy band and call themselves Triple X.

Saint Angelina's doctor told the Associated Press (via People) that the chosen ones were delivered via c-section. He said, "The babies are doing well. The operation went just perfectly. Angelina is in very good spirits. Brad Pitt was at her side. He was there and all was well."

Brangie's lawyers also wasted no time in buying up every single domain name for their chosen ones. They purchased everything from knoxleonjoliepitt.com to viviennemarchelinejoliepitt.biz. They covered all their bases.

There's good news though! Brangelinaisridiculous.com is still available!

So that's that! You now must immediately shut down your computer and spend the day praying at your Brangelina shrine, begging for forgiveness for all the sins you've committed. Or you can just spend the day drinking until your eyeballs roll back into your head. Either one works.

Mayor Christian Estrosi of Nice, France held a f@#$% press conference today to show off the birth certificates of the twin messiahs aka Hard Knox and Vivie Jolie-Pitt. The hell?! Is this normal?

I'm surprised his butt didn't come prancing out with Saint Angelina's golden placenta in one hand and the chosen ones' umbilical cords in the other. Yeah, scratch that. They didn't have umbilical cords, because they dropped from the heavens above.

Mayor Christian told reporters, "On behalf of the inhabitants of Nice, I congratulate the happy parents, the most famous couple of the world who have chosen our city for this happy event. I also congratulate the four brothers and sisters of the newborns who are [history won't forget it] real 'Niçois' ('citizens of Nice'). It's a pride to Nice and all its citizens."

Ok, how much did Brangelina pay his butt? I'm waiting for him to announce that they are changing the name of their city from Nice to Brangelinaville.

Not only did the mayor hold a press conference, but so did her doctor. Dr. Michel Sussmann said that Brad was in the room with Saint Angelina. He said, "It was an epidural, so [Angelina] was awake and speaking and laughing. They were happy." Dr. Michel went on to say that Brad even cut their umbilical cords. Okay, so they did have umbilical cords. Expect to see their crystal cords on eBay.

Who the hell is going to give a press conference next? The janitor?

I guess I should also take part in celebrating this totallyamazingspecialwonderfulfantasticholy day. I will celebrate by getting shitbombed for the second time today! Hooray! I wish everyday was Brangelina day!

Makes mine too....Not...I don't care for her and always loved Jennifer.....she is so much hotter than Angie.

her humor in Friends....makes her sexy to me.

Uh, you know that is the personality of some writers and not her, right?

LOL, um, ok. Have you ever watched an real interview with her?She is so phony and bland.

Quick! Grab a piece of paper and stick a hole through it. Put your darkest sunglasses on, stand at least 10 feet away and carefully look through the pinhole to feast your eyes on the incredible and powerful beauty of the twin messiahs! Then you must immediately get on your knees and worship your computer screen. They can see you, trust me.

I'm sure emergency rooms everywhere will be at full capacity soon due to Brangaloonies going into cardiac arrest and poking their eyes out because now they have seen it all and there's no need to see anything more!

That being said, they look like babies. Seriously, just babies. I ran home from the bar for this?!!! Yes, that was a total Brangaloonie moment. I mean, they aren't even wearing crowns! $14 million doesn't get you much these days.

And Shiloh is totally holding one of the golden twins and thinking, "I finally have someone to play with in the basement!" That you do, Shiloh.

You can also visit People's and Hello's websites to read boring quotes and sh**.

Also, you better get in line to buy People's issue tomorrow. 19 pages of sleeping babies! I'm sure Brangaloonies are waiting overnight.