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#1341677 - 04/29/12 10:38 PM
Top 10 Ways To Get Out Of Jury Duty
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twocats
Silver Member
Registered: 02/09/10
Posts: 10778
Loc: NYS
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In honor of my service tomorrow:
Top Ten Ways to Get (kicked) Out of Jury Duty
Learn How to Avoid Your Civil Duty
Blair Mathis, Yahoo! Contributor Network
Oct 16, 2006 "Share your voice on Yahoo! websites. Start Here."
Sure, you have a civil duty to serve in the esteemed court in judgment of your peer. But, really, who wants to do that? Probably someone who's never had to do it before.
If you've received that dreaded piece of mail demanding hours of your life and you're desperate to get out of it, then read on. I'm going to assume that you've already attempted to get out of jury duty by means of mail and have failed; you will have to present your last ditch effort within the confines of the court. Now, being a nice person, I'm going to offer you a valuable, Arthurian-esque, warning:
"Whilst it be fairly simple to ditch ye civil duty, thou mustn't possess the backbone of a jellyfish, for only those brazen enough to appear retarded in public shall succeed in gaining freedom."
In other words, you must be willing to embarrass yourself-without appearing embarrassed-or else you will be forced to serve in silent torture. If you are not capable of this-well …sorry, you're screwed.
Okay, step one: start small and work your way up to more severe actions. Remember, only as your time frame to escape closes should you begin to act like a desperate, rabid animal.
1.Pretend to be completely skittish-terrified even-of the court, the judge, the officers and bailiff. Squirm uncomfortably in your seat, sort of like you have bad cramps or gas. Look around constantly with a nervous "I'm gonna barf' look on your face, cringe whenever the bailiff moves, and wince a little when the judge talks. After a little while, you will inevitably be asked why you are acting in such a manner. Take advantage of this by quaking under the judges direct attention, talking like a terrified public speaker, and say something to the effect of: "Your honor, the courts and cops make me real nervous. I always get terrified like I might go to jail [gag a little after this word]. Where's the nearest bathroom, I think I'm gonna blow!" I guarantee you will be personally escorted out of the building.
2.When the judge questions you, say something like "Oh no, your honor, I really do want to serve. See, I've always had a tendency towards reading peoples mind, and I always dreamed of using it for good. Now I get the chance to send this guilty person to jail!"
3. Wear a t-shirt that says "It costs a lot to house prisoners. Capital punishment for all!!"
4.Write a highly opinionated, articulate, confidant, and frank letter stating the reasons why you feel the entire justice system as a whole is a load of crap and that you could never find someone guilty under such a faulty system.
5.Cross your arms, squint your eyes, and say "my grandpa was a cop. I know all about YOU attorneys."
6.Whip out a notebook, take furious notes as soon as you enter the room, ask the attorneys and judge annoying questions, and express a great desire to be on the jury. Tell them that you are a writer, and that you will be the next Grisham. Then ask the judge if you can quote him/her in your book.
7.Scratch your head furiously, like an insane maniac, groan and pull at your hair. Then raise your hand, say you think you have lice, and ask if the bailiff can check your head for bugs.
8.Ask a fellow potential juror if they wish to get out of duty. If they do, set up a scene where you pretend to be ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/friends who can't stand each other. Start yelling and arguing about something from your 'past'. You may be forcefully removed, but you will be removed nonetheless.
9.Pretend to have a sinus infection. Constantly blow your nose, and just when you can't get more irritating, "run" out of tissue and simply resort to sucking the snot up your nose. Your fellow jurors will likely kick you out.
10.If all else fails and you're really desperate, run to the nearest Army recruiter and enlist.
I hope you have found this list useful. All of these tactics will likely get you out of jury duty. Just remember: you must know no shame. Nothing is beneath you.
Not even soiling yourself.
_________________________
Dismiss whatever insults your own soul.
Walt Whitman
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